Shinji's Blog

IaLSoS: Part 1 of 3

Welp, look at that. "I know this update isn't terribly content heavy, but I want to get back into doing daily small updates, rather than weekly huge updates." That was a week ago. Order of crow please, with a three part side of "I'm a lying sack of shit". Moving on.

A lot has happened in the past week. I'm going to be splitting things up into several short entries. In order: I haven't been able to sleep lately, I got in car accident, and I'm getting creative again.

First on the docket is that I haven't been sleeping lately. This means I've been missing a ton of phone calls and potential visitors, not too mention I'm awake for sunrise, which annoys me to great lengths I'm not sure many people in my circles truly grasp. Not because it's something deep or a "nightwalker only" thing; I've just come to really really hate sunrise.

I've actually scared myself into a severe awake state when thinking about my mortality and my finances. Regarding my finances, I'm scared that I won't get disability, I will lose my house, so on and so forth. Granted, some of my concerns are grounded in fact, but it doesn't change that I'm letting myself get scared by speculation. It's one thing to be concerned about something and prepare for it, and another to not be able to sleep because of it. Oddly, my mantra of "focus only on what you have control of" doesn't seem to be working. I'm certain everything will be fine, but that nagging fear that it won't has somehow taken up residence.

Regarding the thoughts of mortality, I've been haunted with increasing frequency about thoughts of how I'm likely not going to achieve my goals. Being fluent in Japanese, opening an arcade, ever getting out of debt, things of that nature. This... has been a lot harder for me to deal with. With some of my goals, they're extremely dear to my heart, but also given my circumstances I want to only focus what I know will help me. Learning Japanese and opening an arcade? They might make me happy and fulfilled, but are they going to work financially? This is assuming I even pull them off. I'm actually beginning to wonder if my dreams aren't worth having.

It's a terrible thing to say and think, for anyone, but I've been thinking more and more about things that will be viable, help me pay back everyone that's helped me, especially Mom and Gary, during this tough time in my life. The desire and passion to open and run an arcade that's even just half as great as TGA was still has huge precedence and place in my heart. But then I think about how little money I'd likely make, and how it would delay me from repaying those who I truly owe, and it makes me hesitate. It's these thoughts and hesitations that are keeping me up at night. I'm not sure how easily I'm going to shake them, if ever.

Here's hoping the rest of you are sleeping easier than I am. Stay tuned for part two and three; I'll be writing them very shortly. Just rewarding myself for blogging with a round of IIDX. Take care and be safe until then.