Shinji's Blog


I want to talk about a word. This word is "razbliuto" which is allegedly Russian meaning "the sentimental feeling you have about someone you once loved but no longer do". It's a fantastic concept; encapsulating such a complex emotion into a single word, allowing easy discussion of difficult things. I suppose that is the point of language at the end of the day. After doing some digging, I found that the word doesn't actually exist but has been described as a word the English language desperately needs. So, onto my discussion of razbliuto and how it's in my life.

I've found and felt this very real while very fake word has been creeping into my life in ways that are making me both very uncomfortable yet very grounded. There's a supreme comfort and strength I take in simply knowing things. Knowledge can empower you to make better decisions simply thru a pure and better understanding of where you are. Sure, you might have a horrible diagnosis, but knowing why you're ill is usually half the battle. So, coming to terms that I have very strong razbliuto with several personal aspects of my life, while sad, is empowering.

The first is IIDX. Veteran players might be assuming that I'm getting frustrated or having trouble with yet another wall in IIDX, but that's far from the truth. I've been passing more difficult songs than I've anticipated and my accuracy is improving. So why do I no longer feel joy when I play? As someone stated, it needs to be fun and not an obligation. I'm all for taking IIDX seriously; I don't feel that for me I need to be having fun, but rather having a satisfying experience. However, I agree that I should never feel obligated to play. So, taking some advice from others, I tried playing singles. It was one of the most insultingly boring rounds I've ever played. I had thought that IIDX wasn't engaging, and it turns out that if I want to feel an even further disconnect, I just have to not play 14 key. Delightful. So, I'm back to doubles. However, I'm still not having as satisfying a time as I normally did. Hopefully once I bang out all the 9s or FC all 6s and down or something like that I'll have some accomplishment or something.

The second thing I may have razbliuto over is Magic. This one is more of a slippery slope for me. It could be because due to a lack of finances I haven't been able to draft or play in event as much as I'd like to. Certainly, some friends of mine have come to the rescue in a manner of speaking and helped me with making some constructed decks that I'd probably love playing, but I just simply haven't had the heart or motivation to even playtest them. I'm not sure why. Whether it's because I just don't like Magic with the same fervor I once had, or because other emotional issues have dampened my desire, or something else, I'm honestly not sure. I am certain though that when I've got people I want to play with and have fun with, and they're actively trying to petition me to play and internally I want to but can't muster the strength, that it hurts. I'm not sure what will fix this. I'm kind of ignoring this one for now as I think I've got bigger fish to fry.

The last thing is a very tricky subject, and something that I've been wanting to write about for a while. It's also the reason why I haven't updated my blog for so long, because I haven't been sure how to go about it.

A few months ago, a good friend of mine moved in. We'd met on the internet, spent an enormous amount of time talking, and decided to try and meet up. They spent some time here in December, and we found that things not only worked friendship wise, but romantically as well. So, a plan for them to return home and finish school for the year, then move out here was made. I did and continue to spend a lot of time thinking about this decision. As far as I was concerned, there were four possible outcomes, varying on whether romantically things worked out, and then if we were able to live together. I was happy with all of the possible outcomes and consequences attached, so I encouraged them to move out here. What I didn't plan on was that I'd fall out of love.

It's such a peculiar thing. This person, I still like them on a personal and emotional front, but some part of my biology has disengaged. So, now we have a situation where they're still firing on all cylinders, and I'm not. I didn't plan on having to do damage control every day, having to be more concerned than normal on their emotional well being, as well as keeping myself steady. There are so many things that could wind up hurting this person, and I'm over exhausting myself to make sure they're happy. I want them to be happy and I think this person legitimately deserves it. I also still want to be friends with this person, and I've come to greatly enjoy their company. At some point though, a disconnect will happen. Either I'll need to romantically move on, and that will leave them behind yet still living here, or they'll grow frustrated, or they'll meet someone... I'm finding that the likely outcomes will hurt them more than me, and I don't want that. I don't think they realize the amount of work I'm doing to try and ensure that they're happy, even potentially at my expense. It's this stress that has kept me quiet for so long, as I know they're aware of this blog.

It's quite possible that this stress has been what's dampening everything else, but to be honest, if that's the case, it's a price I'm willing to accept. Not for now, but accept. I've one life to live, and if I can sacrifice my happiness at the expense that others will be happy instead, then so be it. One person willingly losing with multiple people winning? I'm ok with that. That knowledge and the empowerment it gives me is what's keeping me steady. I just need to stay that way.

Finally, to all the people who have said that you've been wondering about updates, and asking for more, thank you. You're concern and desire to hear about what's going on has been an overwhelmingly positive force in my life, and I cannot thank you enough for it. It's an honor to know that my writing interests you, and I hope to continue to not disappoint.

Take care and be safe.