Shinji's Blog

Smash Mouth's album Fush Yu Mang, track 12

There's been some purposeful radio silence since my last update. I've needed to wait for some personal dust to settle before I could do a proper update. So, here goes.

Unfortunately, I am now single. I'm not terribly hurt by it; I could tell Konig wasn't as emotionally involved as I was and I was about to bring up the whole "Maybe we should just be friends" talk myself about a month or two after he beat me to it. It did hurt that the main reason he couldn't emotionally invest was one of the personal problems I've had the most trouble dealing with. To be more specific, that I wasn't finished with my academics and more independently established, or said differently that I wasn't working a proper IT/tech job that I was capable of. To his credit he did try. He got me an interview at Mathworks, and I would still to work for them after doing some homework on their company. He also took the risk of introducing me to his friends, something he's a bit guarded about. But at the end of the day, he said that because I wasn't further along in life, he couldn't let go and let himself try to fall in love. A friend or two has told me this sounds shallow of him, but it's a reasonable request for what someone wants in a partner.

What does hurt is that while I still want to be friends and Konig claims that he still wants to be friends, he doesn't believe that I've romantically/emotionally disengaged and that I'm still trying to salvage things or restart things so there could be a relationship. This hurts because we've had several conversations and at great lengths said and enjoyed how plainly honest we both are. So with him knowing how honest I am, plus that one of the few pet peeves I have is when people don't believe me, it's causing me a bit of turmoil. On top of that, I've recently started Final Fantasy 14. A while back Konig mentioned he was super excited for it as he was an FF11 player and I mentioned those types of MMOs are usually not my thing. However, I've done some homework on it and also after hearing things from friends and coworkers it sounded like it'd be worth a try. Konig is now thinking that my wanting to play FF14 is that I'm trying to "stay close and make up reasons for us to still be friends" and that I'm playing "potentially for the wrong reasons". I've tried telling him that this isn't the case, but despite him saying that it doesn't matter if I play FF14 or not, given what he said previously I have some doubts. It's upsetting that I have those doubts because I know how straightforward and honest he is; the fact that I'm having trouble believing me is also causing me a little hurt.

So, I've held back on talking about this because I'm worried about posting this online, and somehow it being misinterpreted by Konig. At the same time, I need to vent and air my frustrations and feelings, because it's been causing me a lot of heartache. I've tried talking about it with several friends, but I'm not getting the usual catharsis and release that it should normally deliver, so this is another effort to try and get my mind at ease.

I have to say, what bothers me the most is that Konig knows I want to be friends, yet after canceling us hanging out hours before it was supposed to happen, us chatting and agreeing on next weekend, then cancelling that the next day, he thinks that me getting extremely upset over that means that I still want a relationship. Can't I just be hurt that I'm not able to visit a friend I have a lot in common with and miss seeing, given that it's now been four weeks? Who knows.

I know that I'll get over all this. What worries me is that it won't be with the results I'm hoping for, mainly Konig not believing and that he keeps pushing me away until we completely disconnect.

Why does it have to be so hard to be friends with someone you share interests with and get along with?

Take care and be safe everyone.