Shinji's Blog

A change in weltanschauung

It's been an interesting winter. Lots of chaos, lots of destruction, but man oh man is the rebuilding exciting. Where to begin...

I'm presently unemployed. ZINK pulled out of UpSource, then I was a lead for a program with Delta Dental, then I took nothing but medical supply calls. What's more irritating is that for a job with a 45 minute commute, and being on warning for some absences in the winter from getting sick, I leave 75 minutes early, hit the worst traffic I've seen in a year of having the job, I'm 8 minutes late and get fired for that. I understand why I was let go, but given the whole floor was having trouble with the new attendance policy and I don't have a history of lateness it's somewhat frustrating. However it looks like I'm still going to be collecting unemployment, so it seems that the state of Massachusetts agrees that UpSource's attendance management was kinda screwed too. At least I have that minor vindication I can bank. Speaking of banks...

I'm hilariously broke at the moment. I'd been far too forgiving with my roommates and being able to make up rent or other expenses. As a result, for right now, I'll be squeaking through February with a $5 window for error. I've also clamped down on any wiggle room for my roommates. A huge part of this was after speaking with my uncle about the whole matter and how I was owed a lot of back rent, he sighed and said "Well, it's unlikely you'll ever see that money. Just try to collect rent from here forward." I immediately replied "No, that's not good enough. I'm not going to accept that." And it's true. I got burned once, and it's not happening again. I've been pretty transparent with my current financial state with my roommates, which has helped galvanize them into paying and also doing back pay without fail so far, which is good. Plus I think they finally believe me when I say they need to pay rent or I'm finding new tenants. Hopefully nothing will change in that regards; I'm rather happy with everyone here as it stands and I'd hate to have to kick anyone out. At the same time, I have bills to pay and I've already extended myself in the past and they know I literally can't afford to do it again.

Now for some good news, in three parts. First is that I actually feel in control of my life. I arranged to meet with my counselor to discuss how my current medication just wasn't working. This was both from a mixture of me not functioning fully while on it, and feeling pretty much the same after a long period of not dosing. I'm now on Adderall and it truly is a world of difference. I was tempted to title this entry "Paradigm Shift" but a little research showed that phrase somewhat buzz word and fluffy in origin for my intentions. Anyways, I making lists of things to do and they're getting done. I have my finances completely organized and laid out, unlike the 80% they've been for the past few months. In addition to the Adderall, I met with my uncle and we've been in active conversation for a few weeks now, and it's been incredibly energizing. We're both in agreement that my life is at a crossroads of sorts and that I'm finally getting some traction on getting my life back on track. I can't wait for the coming months as I'll like see some minor fruition for all my current efforts.

Second is that I've reconnected with two people I've wanted to keep. One being Javier, the other being Konig. Regarding Javier, I've been wanting to go up to Malden to visit Jav, but I've always had money and not time, or the other way around. Luckily he came down recently and we had a great time. The biggest reason I've wanted him involved in my life is that he's one of a few friends I can completely trust and have serious conversations with. I mean real conversations, like changing careers, friends we're unhappy with, serious heartaches and so on. I used to have several people like him close to me, but for whatever reason I've fallen out of touch with most of them, and right now he's the only person I can actually chat face to face with like that. I have some other online contacts whom I similarly trust, but it's not quite the same. I'm glad he's come down a few times in the past month, and I'm hoping he becomes a more frequent visitor. I'd like to return the favor and visit Malden more frequently too.

I've also reconnected with Konig. After being wished a happy new year from him, I asked if we could actually meet and chat and catch up. Surprisingly, he agreed. Dinner and conversation later, apparently there was a mixture of confusion and uncertainty on his end, which was complicating how he was handling our interactions after we broke up, and just needed more time to think and didn't really express that well. Since that reconnection, we've been meeting about once a week for dinner and gaming. It's just like when we were dating, which is what I want. To clarify, while we were going out he was a much warmer person and easy to talk to. After breaking up, he was a lot more distant and colder, almost as though I was a stranger and he was a completely different person. Neither of us want a relationship with one another, and I just want to keep him as a friend, and having his older behavior back and just having him back in general is a tremendous boost. Given my history of being fairly good at reading and handling people, it felt like a huge blunder or failure. I'm just glad he's re-involved, and looking forward to seeing him next. He's away all February on a huge trip back home, and I'm looking forward to hearing about it in March once he's back.

Lastly is all the changes the Adderall has wrought. I'm far more productive that I was previously. I've been much better about getting up on time, and with a little more work and dedicated dosing with Trazedone to ensure my sleep stays on schedule, I'm confident I can finally get rid of my roaming insomnia. I've also completely cleaned the house, and so far it's stayed that way too! I just need make sure any visitors are also respectful, as I think the previous clutter and whatnot encouraged people to be lazy about throwing away drinks and other minor things like that. I've also been exercising! So far I've lost four pounds, and I'm hoping to lose another five by the end of the month. Given that I've completely quit soda and I'm be careful about what I'm eating, I think it's very possible and that I can also maintain it too.

Right now, things are very scary. If anything happens in the next few weeks, like my unemployment doesn't come through and another roommate can't pay rent, or some similar misfortune, I could run out of money. However, despite this, I'm confident of several sources pulling through, such as unemployment or getting hired from several prospective jobs I've gone after, and that things will be fine. More importantly, it doesn't feel like I'm rebuilding my life, but rather that I've already done so and I just need to keep the follow through. I'd be more hesitant or uncertain as in the past my follow through has been terrible, but thanks to the conversations with my uncle, Javier, and the new medication, I truly don't have any worries. And for once, I have some proof to back that up.

And that is why I feel the best I have in ages. Take care and be safe everyone.